Machina Nonsensica

Until recently, I’d been out of the loop regarding the hi-fi world. I had a keen interest years ago, but other things in life became more important. I was always under the impression that people who were audiophiles would be technically adept, being able to judge the merits of this bit of equipment or that from specifications, scientific testing & measurement, and review. After all, audio equipment is deterministic, and it’s not that hard to measure the differences between components and show how they perform. It’s pretty clear-cut: either A is better than B, or it’s not.

Boy, was I wrong in assuming the audiophile world was all about objective assessment. Much to my shock, I found the audiophile world so full of superstitious twaddle, that it must surely be a dead heat between it and religion in the race for being terminally gullible.

Machina Dynamica is a web site that truly has to be seen to be believed. It peddles the most outrageous nonsense I’ve seen in a long time, and I’ve seen quite a bit of nonsense over the years. It seems to be run by one Geoff Kait, who parades a plethora of pompous proficiencies (sorry, had to get my alliteration fix for the week) about himself in front of the punters in an effort to convince them that what he’s peddling really works. To call his explanations of how some of his products are supposed to work a pile of pseudoscientific crap is a massive understatement, but hey, we’re being polite this week.

The product range and the accompanying claims are so ridiculous, that it’s difficult to know where to start, but let’s dive in to the section describing the Clever Little Clock. It’s as good a place to start as any.

Imagine telling people that if they place a battery-powered clock in the room, then their sound systems will sound better; but wait, it gets even more silly than that: “In addition, any video systems in the house will be improved - the picture will be clearer, with better color saturation and contrast.”

What a load of bollocks.

The Clever Little Clock is clever, all right: it’s a clever way to get the suckers to part with two hundred bucks. And of course there’s no scientific explanation of how this miraculous improvement is supposedly effected. Nor will there ever be.

What about the product called Brilliant Pebbles? Hooweee, where do you start with this one? Get a handful of pebbles, whack ‘em inside a plastic bag, and then tell the gullible buyers that they’ll “tune” the acoustics of the room and the sound system. This is so jaw-droppingly stupid (my spontaneously-invented phrase, patent applied for) that it’s hard to tell if it’s worse than the Clever Little Clock. I suppose it’s better, because at least this product has a “White Paper” that describes how this “tuning” takes place.

Got a friend who’s a physicist and their birthday is coming up, but you don’t know what to get them? How about a copy of Machina Dynamica’s Brilliant Pebbles - Theory of Operation (Power to the Pebble)?

Here’s a good one: the Teleportation Tweak. Yes, folks, you read that right: teleportation. For a mere sixty bucks, you can call up Machina Dynamica on the phone, and they will play about twenty seconds of clink-clank noise (probably a recording of farting chihuahuas played in reverse, at double speed; who knows?) over the line to “upgrade” your sound system and make it sound better. And the sound system doesn’t even need to be on!

No, I’m not kidding. This is SO space-cadet that I have trouble convincing myself that this isn’t a joke web site. Oh, and they do mention: Machina Dynamica’s Teleportation Tweak is not covered by our 30-day money back guarantee.

Yeah, funny, that.

There’s just so much more, including: TRU-TONE DUPLEX COVERS, CODENAME TURQUOISE, THE NEW INTELLIGENT CHIP… all classics, so you’re best off going to the site and having a look around.

Don’t laugh too hard at all this though, because remember: if nobody was buying it, he wouldn’t be selling it. What’s really scary is that somebody must be forking over money for this stuff, and believing that it actually does something (apart from emptying the customer’s wallet, that is).

Be afraid. Be VERY afraid.

As fas as I’m concerned, Machina Dynamica scores a full Spinal Tap “11 out of 10″ rating on the Stupid-O-Meter.

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